| fucking disgusted. |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|01:39 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  disgusted | ] |
| [ | music |
| | I Hate Everyone -Say Anything | ] |
seriously....fuck life. fuck MY life. fuck everything, everyone...just fuck it. it seriously disgusts me how fucking shitty life has just been over the last year. just everything. shitty fucking people, shitty/fake experiences, shitty luck, shitty promises, just shitty fucking EVERYTHING. seriously, as of last night, this tour was again...perfect. then of FUCKING course, 200 miles away from watertown at midnight (when i have to be at school the next day), the fucking drive shaft of our van completely breaks and falls off and makes our van 100% immobile. So we are stuck on the side of the highway, in the middle of the fucking night, 3 and a half hours away from home. all the money we made on tour...gone. we have to buy a new van, pay for the van to get towed.
i guess fortunately enough, we have fucking the best friends in the world, who fucking drove 4 hours from Pillar Point to pick us and our trailer up in the middle of the night. they ended up getting there at 7am, and we were home around 11am. whatever.
i'm just not stoked for anything. i'm just so disgusted with everyone, everything...and really for no good reason. i try so fucking hard day to day to stay up and keep positive with everything and at least portray that i'm all good with life....which i suppose has been working, so cool i guess. i feel like i'm just chugging along for no reason...i don't know what i'm doing. and also too, i can tell like...as much as i try to shake this all off a try to seem all good, i've been such an asshole to certain people, and i don't even mean it. it just sucks, i hate being upset, i hate people feeling bad for me, i hate bringing situations down, so i try to never talk about anything unless its brought up, i try to project things away from me because i hate talking about them....idk...i even hate typing shit out in the stupid fucking livejournal.
all i know is...right now, i'm nowhere close to where I wanna be. everyday...im miserable. i mean, yea, there are things that are awesome and things that make me stoked...but those just seem to not have as much of a 'lasting' effect as I want them to have. I just want to be happy. I want to enjoy myself. I want to be happy with myself. I want to be real to people. I want to not be an asshole to some of my best friends because i'm too much of a fucking pussy to talk about things when i need to. i want to improve myself, i want to make myself happy, i want to feel like the things i do for myself and others are worth SOMEthing, i want to have a positive impact...i want life to turn around for me.
now i get to drive back to albany...have 3 tests this week. fucking awesome.
i don't know what the fuck else to say.
-dave b |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|10:54 am] |
Last night was terrible.So, this morning I have locked myself in my room.
I'm only wearing shorts and drinking boxed wine for breakfast out of an old prom glass.
Even though I should feel pathetic, I'm happy to be alone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|02:41 pm] |
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I'm not happy. And I'm so confused about everything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|10:40 am] |
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I am compensating for the lack of the emotional relationship that I crave with meaningless sexual encounters. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|09:53 am] |
I want to study abroad in Iran.
Too bad my parents and the country aren't going to let me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|02:55 am] |
I'm angry at you because you always bitch to me about how everyone lies to you and you never deserve it. This past week, I've found out two things: You really have talked shit about me behind my back, and you really were dating her for many months, even though you told me the two of you were no longer together. About both things, you've lied to me.
I'm angry because I still like you a lot you don't deserve to bitch at me and be all hypocritical about it. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|02:50 am] |
im just so done with feeling like this... im not a depressed person. but with all this shit ive been dealing with, sometimes i just cant handle it all... & it just sucks
i just wish to run away & start a new life, where no one knows my name or my life... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 21st, 2010|01:55 am] |
I just started up my new journal and have been writing in it for almost a month now. None of my friends on my old journal use LJ anymore. :(
Secret: I would never want any of my friends in real life to be able to read my journal entries. Guess I am looking for some friends through this community to interact with on their journal and mine. I miss reading all their posts when I was active over 5years ago.
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|09:03 pm] |
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I don't like Inglorious Basterds because I am German and my family has a very "colorful" military history. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|09:46 pm] |
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I am not comfortable with this situation. In fact, I hate it and I see what's going on. I always see it. I know much more about people than I let on. I need a hug. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|08:26 pm] |
1. I still have nailpolish on my toes from last november.
2. I really did want to kiss him today, but I know he likes a challenge, and needs to work for it in order to really appriciate it, so decided I'm going to make him wait, and then it will mean more.
(Side secret)
He doesn't know that I know how to get into a guys head just as well as he knows how to do such with a girls.
3. I can see us being fantastic in bed.
4. I can't stand when someone says "you want his dick" I find it so crude, and unattractive. |
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| Unconditional Desire |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|06:41 pm] |
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For eight years my joy and happiness have depended on one boy. I try to change that but cannot. Now I'm afraid I've been lying to myself about our "connection," and if I'm wrong, it means I lose all hope I have in life. And that makes me feel pretty shallow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|11:16 pm] |
1- I'm scared I'm totally lying to myself and that deep down, I'm totally normal and nothing is wrong with me.
2- Like many people here, I'm terrified of people knowing who I am who I on here. I keep checking my freinds list and reading their Journals just in case they are on of my friends from real life.
3- I get paranoid when my family is on the computer downstairs, incase they can see what I'm doing on my computer up in my room.
4- I'm terrified that if I go to the same Uni as her, she'll stop me from living the life I want to live.
5- I want to live in America so much that it actually hurts sometimes.
6- I'm scared that I'm not good at anything. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|01:34 pm] |
Your 8 year old daughter looks like a hooker. And you are a shitty parent.
I was out with my dad today and a team of young 8 to 10 yr old cheerleaders walked by wearing mini skirts, tops that barely covered their breasts which they don't even have yet (with their entire stomach exposed), and enough red glitter and red lipstick to paint my house. It was disgusting. You're breeding pedocandy. This shit is not cute on a grown woman, why would a young girl look good?
I've never had to bite my tongue so hard to my opinion to myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|02:26 pm] |
I always get nervous posting to livejournal, because I'm always afraid someone will find out who I am.
I clear my history, and won't have facebook up or anything, incase something weird happens and my post gets shared with facebook. I'm paranoid.
I guess I just don't like people knowing things about me, and my journal says it all.
I also get really scared about adding people because of this, too. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|12:50 pm] |
I am so mad at myself...
I always promised myself that I would never be one of those girls who made their boyfriend the center of their life.
It's not my fault my friends abandoned me.
If I am being too clingy, I am sorry, Love. You are truly all I have in the world... |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 20th, 2010|12:50 am] |
I need the strength to pick myself up and fix myself. To gain all of the friends I have lost and become happy again.
It just seems so hard. |
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| It's ironic |
[Mar. 19th, 2010|10:55 pm] |
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Now that I feel like I'm ready to open up and go back to therapy I'm having a very hard time finding a therapist. |
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